You know what the thing with the boy really is though, Mel? What the real problem was? I didn't say it in the big email because I don't think most people would really understand, but you will: the REAL problem, the reason he can't be with me, is not because he doesn't like me, not because he's forgotten about me, not because he doesn't miss me, not because he doesn't think we're really compatible. The REAL problem, Mel, is that I'm not Mormon. GAH!!! I should have seen the writing on the wall in the beginning. I know how they are. I know they believe in that being-married-for-eternity crap. But he made me believe it wouldn't be a problem. He told me it wouldn't be a problem. I think he honestly thought it wouldn't BE a problem. Which is why I said in the other mail that I think he is being dumb. It's so DUMB, Mel! It's so arbitrary! I don't know if this is better or worse than if he couldn't be with me because he didn't care about me anymore.

I would like to be friends with him still. Maybe I can, after a little while. I'll wait a few weeks. But it's just too painful and confusing right now. Because it's like everything is the same, we talk the same, sort of feel the same (at least I do) but it's an impossibility. Which is probably half the reason I want to be with him, because I know I can't.

I was even willing to entertain, ENTERTAIN, the idea of exploring Mormonism for myself. It would definitely be something I'd be interested in learning more about, even if I didn't believe in it, but I was willing to even try to BELIEVE in it. But I just don't know if I could ever do it. Besides, I shouldn't HAVE to do it. I should be okay just like I am. But when your boyfriend prays and God tells him he's not supposed to be with you, well, that kind of hurts.
The whole thing is just so attractive..his family is so sweet and nice and perfect, he is so sweet and nice and just an all around good person..it's something I want to be around, you know? It's something so terribly positive and loving. And I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to find that for myself. Like I won't find another guy who is just as plain Good as he is...

Because I'M good, I know that. I'm probably more good than he is in some ways (I've never totally destroyed anyone emotionally, for example). I just need to find someone else who is that good too..withOUT being Mormon. But I really don't have confidence that I ever will.