I suppose I'm feeling better. But I still feel kinda bad. Right at first I felt really, really bad but then that tapered off quickly to feeling just kinda bad, but I've sort of hit a plateau and have been feeling the same level of kinda bad for a while now. Know what I mean? I don't know what to do about it though. There's nothing really that I can do about it...I'm stuck out here in the middle of the woods. I only interact with about 30 people, most of which are just fine aquaintances but nobody that I really bond with, male or female. So I'm kinda bored, I don't have a lot to do..my actual job is boring (I'm writing this email from work) and then my time after work is also boring..my options of activities are pretty much reading, knitting, maybe watching a movie, talking to people (always the same people though), drinking beer, or smoking pot. All of these are fun in small doses, but there's not a whole lot of selection.

I think you should be willing to change in a relationship though. Relationships are all about compromise after all. I mean, I think it would be alright for someone to want me to change something about myself, or for me to want someone to change something about themselves. Don't you sometimes realize you're being a total dick about something and decide not to act that way anymore? I think a good relationship inspires you to improve yourself. My relationship with Seth inspired me to be a nicer person and more positive. Which I suppose I already was to a certain degree, but I became more aware of it and did it more consciously after that. This doesn't mean, however, that I necessarily think it was okay that I wasn't good enough just because I'm not Mormon. That's something else entirely.

I don't know though. I still miss him a lot. If I'm completely honest with myself I would say I am still in love with him. But I just don't know how to turn that off, you know? My head tells me all these reasons why it will never work, why I'm so much better off without him, that of course I will find somebody else, but my heart just tells me the exact opposite. And they are both about equally strong voices. I still cry about it.

I just don't know what to do. There's nothing really I can do. I'm up here, isolated. I'm afraid I'm going to get really depressed this winter. I have too much free time to think and dwell and mope and wallow with nothing to distract me...This is not good.

He doesn't love me. I can't believe it still, but it's true. He doesn't love me. He never will again. I don't know what changed..I don't understand how somebody's feelings can change that fast, but apparently his did. He doesn't love me. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't think about me. He doesn't worry about me. He doesn't stress about me. I've never really truly known what inrequited love felt like until now, and it feels like shit.