I wait

Hi, guys. How's it going?

I'm okay I guess. This month has been really hard on me actually. I've gotten pretty beat up. I've been pretty depressed. I'm not sure what to do about it. There's not really a whole lot I can do about it I guess, besides live through it.

It is hard for me to put my feelings into words, but it's helpful to try. There is nobody here I can talk to about this -- nobody even knows what is going on. So I just sit here alone with this ball of pain..and I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to make myself not care. I wish I could just turn myself off sometimes. Why do I love people who don't love me back? Am I just a glutton for punishment or what? Why can't I just look at things logically and think, okay, it is better this way because of A, B, and C. But I can't do that..my heart gets in the way.

I am a really good person and I deserve to be loved by someone who appreciates me. But I just haven't found this person. And I'm worried that I won't. Why is it not possible for me to feel complete unless I do? I HATE that. Why can't I just be here by myself and feel complete? Why do I need to look to someone else to find happiness? Why can't I just find it within myself? Everyone who I ever thought I could count on has let me down in the end. I feel like in my life I really haven't felt much love at all. I haven't felt it a whole lot from my family, I grew up in a house full of anger and meanness and resentment and regret, none of which was my fault but nonetheless had a direct negative effect on my life. I have felt love from friends, but I move so often..and I just feel like I am capable of giving so much but nobody wants it. And I just keep foolishly foolishly giving it to people who will exploit it. Until maybe I won't have any more left.

I've tried to email Seth to reestablish some kind of friendship or something, but he's ignoring me. This does not help my already shaky self-esteem, as you can imagine. I really wish he would answer me and at least aknowledge my existence. Ignoring me does not make me dissapear, and it doesn't make my pain dissapear, and it doesn't make the fact that he did a very bad thing dissapear either. It's like the one person I chose to trust took that trust and shattered it, defiled it, took a shit on it. It's like if I was standing naked in front of him and I thought we were alone, and I felt safe and vulnerable, and then all of a sudden he ripped the curtain back and there was a crowd of a 1,000 people looking in laughing at me. It's like I gave him all my insides, and he took them willingly, and then I stood there, empty, expecting that he would in return give me HIS insides, and I waited a few minutes, you know, still expectant, and then waited a little longer, started tapping my foot, till I realized I was wrong and I wasn't getting anything in return, but it was already too late because I was empty. So I go to look for my insides to see if I can put them back in, and I find them somewhere stuffed behind a dumpster in the dirt. I gave him the best that I have, and I'm worried that now I won't have it to ever give it to anyone else again.

I wish I connected with someone here, but I don't. I have friends, pretty much everybody here is friends, which is nice. But none of them are close friends. None of them are people I would ever be really close to in a normal situation. So nobody here even knows this is happening. I am very private. I wonder if I show it, the pain I'm in. I'm sure I do. I find it very difficult to hide what I'm feeling..I have a very expressive face I guess. And then I hate it because I feel like I'm not being myself, like I am actually a happy person in general and right now I'm not. I'm usually such a bouyant optimist. I can't really remember the last time I really laughed or smiled and felt it in my heart. I mean I have had moments of course but lurking in the background is this over-arching sadness..

And I am so fucking bored. So..fucking..bored. There is nothing to do. It's not like there's stuff to do and I don't feel like doing it -- there really is nothing to do. Or not a whole lot at least. My job itself is hella boring. We are in the slowest period of the year so I have tons and tons of down time which I spend surfing on the internet (though I have mostly exhausted all my ideas of stuff to look for) or reading, but reading isn't that good of an idea because all I have to do after work is read also, so if I read all day at work I don't feel like doing it so much after work. So instead I go home to my room and stare at the wall for an hour and a half. Doing absolutely nothing, except of course wallowing in my own self-pity. Then I wake up the next day and do it again. I go to bed at 8 o'clock sometimes just because I don't have anything to do. I am really getting into a very unhealthy cycle here.

I cry almost every day. Usually I manage to hold it in mostly at work, at least when other people are around, but sometimes I just have to dash back home right afterwards so I can let it burst out in privacy, or I take a little break during lunch and go off by myself. I don't know what's wrong with me.

And I hate the fucking holidays. I HATE them. I hate my birthday, I hate Thanksgiving, and I really, REALLY hate Christmas. All it does is remind me of what I don't have. Maybe I would be alright, not having it, if someone didn't fucking have to POINT IT OUT all the time. I tell myself, you don't need it, Chloe. You don't need a happy family. Or at least, you better not, because you don't have one, so it's no use wishing for one. But it just doesn't work.

Man I'm sorry to be bothering you guys. This email is so negative, negative. And I really don't know if you want to hear it. I'm not sending this one to my usual crowd, but really only the core people who I think actually care. And I'm also sending it to him because I feel like he should know. A little aknowledgement would be nice. But I hope I'm not bothering you with this. Maybe I shouldn't even be sending it. This is really more a journal entry anyway. But sometimes it helps me to remember that there are folks out there who know me and love me. All your words of solidarity really help me. A lot.

Man I'm just sitting here at the work desk right now crying and crying. It's a good thing no one is around to see me.

I just wish there was something I felt like I could do to help my situation but there really isn't. I just have to wait. And something has to come along eventually, doesn't it?

All I have to look forward to right now is school. If that doesn't work out, then I really don't know what I'm going to do.

Hey JZH! How goes the job search? How is Anacortes treating you? Is it raining too much?
Here, we are in the middle of a bout of really nice weather. Well, the weather is always pretty nice here. Sunny most days, though we've had some rain. It's supposed to start snowing around this time of year, but no sign of it yet. I am dreading it, really. I'm out here in bufu already. I don't need a snow storm to make me REALLY feel isolated. Gagh.

Right now I'm just biding my time. These days we are really slow (remiscent of September at KFT) so I'm bored bored bored. I'm bored at work (I'm writing this email from the desk -- at LEAST we can use the internet thank God) and then I'm bored after work because there's not a lot to do then either. La dee da. It could be a lot worse though. The people here are in large part pleasant, though it's like..I think most of the ones I would really relate to aren't here, because they're in school or doing something productive during the year. So the only ones left over are kind of the dumb ones who have no direction in their lives. Know what I mean? I think you do. I mean there are some older people here that make me think like, woa, I hope I'M not still doing this when I'm 35..or 28 for that matter.

But whatever. Time is going by...After New Year's I get to go home for a month, then back in February, and we'll start picking up. And then I have to wait until like MARCH to find out about grad school! Gagh! I hate this feeling that all I'm doing is waiting, waiting..like I'm not growing or something. Because I always try to be learning something no matter what I do...but I'm sure I'm learning SOMETHING, just not sure what.

I feel pretty alone here..that kind of sucks. There isn't like, any one person that I really can talk to, though I have lots of aquaintances, know what I mean? I was good friends with this girl Rose, but she left, alas. I don't want this email to sound like I'm not having a good time though. It is a unique experience out here, and I love having unique experiences..stuff that most people NEVER do. And this would be one of them, yes. Maybe when it snows it'll be cool. Feel all homey and cozy. It probably will be like that. Until I freeze my hands off putting the chains on my car and doing a 360 on the road trying to get out of here..that won't be too much fun. Heh.

Are you still thinking about going to Alaska this summer again? Me, I don't know. I think it would be more likely at this point that I stay here, for a variety of reasons. Assuming I DO get accepted to a school, I will need to look for apartments and stuff, and if I'm here I could actually go look at them and get a better idea. Also, I'm afraid if I went back to Seward that I would be really sad because everything would remind me of Seth..this could be very unhealthy for me. I think maybe we are moving towards being friends right now, but I'm not sure how that's going to work out. I don't really see the point in being friends. But I still want him in my life. So what can I do?

I suppose I'm feeling better. But I still feel kinda bad. Right at first I felt really, really bad but then that tapered off quickly to feeling just kinda bad, but I've sort of hit a plateau and have been feeling the same level of kinda bad for a while now. Know what I mean? I don't know what to do about it though. There's nothing really that I can do about it...I'm stuck out here in the middle of the woods. I only interact with about 30 people, most of which are just fine aquaintances but nobody that I really bond with, male or female. So I'm kinda bored, I don't have a lot to do..my actual job is boring (I'm writing this email from work) and then my time after work is also boring..my options of activities are pretty much reading, knitting, maybe watching a movie, talking to people (always the same people though), drinking beer, or smoking pot. All of these are fun in small doses, but there's not a whole lot of selection.

I think you should be willing to change in a relationship though. Relationships are all about compromise after all. I mean, I think it would be alright for someone to want me to change something about myself, or for me to want someone to change something about themselves. Don't you sometimes realize you're being a total dick about something and decide not to act that way anymore? I think a good relationship inspires you to improve yourself. My relationship with Seth inspired me to be a nicer person and more positive. Which I suppose I already was to a certain degree, but I became more aware of it and did it more consciously after that. This doesn't mean, however, that I necessarily think it was okay that I wasn't good enough just because I'm not Mormon. That's something else entirely.

I don't know though. I still miss him a lot. If I'm completely honest with myself I would say I am still in love with him. But I just don't know how to turn that off, you know? My head tells me all these reasons why it will never work, why I'm so much better off without him, that of course I will find somebody else, but my heart just tells me the exact opposite. And they are both about equally strong voices. I still cry about it.

I just don't know what to do. There's nothing really I can do. I'm up here, isolated. I'm afraid I'm going to get really depressed this winter. I have too much free time to think and dwell and mope and wallow with nothing to distract me...This is not good.

He doesn't love me. I can't believe it still, but it's true. He doesn't love me. He never will again. I don't know what changed..I don't understand how somebody's feelings can change that fast, but apparently his did. He doesn't love me. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't think about me. He doesn't worry about me. He doesn't stress about me. I've never really truly known what inrequited love felt like until now, and it feels like shit.

You know what the thing with the boy really is though, Mel? What the real problem was? I didn't say it in the big email because I don't think most people would really understand, but you will: the REAL problem, the reason he can't be with me, is not because he doesn't like me, not because he's forgotten about me, not because he doesn't miss me, not because he doesn't think we're really compatible. The REAL problem, Mel, is that I'm not Mormon. GAH!!! I should have seen the writing on the wall in the beginning. I know how they are. I know they believe in that being-married-for-eternity crap. But he made me believe it wouldn't be a problem. He told me it wouldn't be a problem. I think he honestly thought it wouldn't BE a problem. Which is why I said in the other mail that I think he is being dumb. It's so DUMB, Mel! It's so arbitrary! I don't know if this is better or worse than if he couldn't be with me because he didn't care about me anymore.

I would like to be friends with him still. Maybe I can, after a little while. I'll wait a few weeks. But it's just too painful and confusing right now. Because it's like everything is the same, we talk the same, sort of feel the same (at least I do) but it's an impossibility. Which is probably half the reason I want to be with him, because I know I can't.

I was even willing to entertain, ENTERTAIN, the idea of exploring Mormonism for myself. It would definitely be something I'd be interested in learning more about, even if I didn't believe in it, but I was willing to even try to BELIEVE in it. But I just don't know if I could ever do it. Besides, I shouldn't HAVE to do it. I should be okay just like I am. But when your boyfriend prays and God tells him he's not supposed to be with you, well, that kind of hurts.
The whole thing is just so attractive..his family is so sweet and nice and perfect, he is so sweet and nice and just an all around good person..it's something I want to be around, you know? It's something so terribly positive and loving. And I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to find that for myself. Like I won't find another guy who is just as plain Good as he is...

Because I'M good, I know that. I'm probably more good than he is in some ways (I've never totally destroyed anyone emotionally, for example). I just need to find someone else who is that good too..withOUT being Mormon. But I really don't have confidence that I ever will.

I know, I know he must not be the right one for me. At least not right now. But THAT'S always a really dangerous thing to think. One should not be banking on things changing in the future. Which I'm not, but you know what I mean. You DO know how I roll and how I like to obsess about things. Though I was thinking about it, and I think largely the reason this isn't bothering as much as it could potentially is because he DID have the balls to tell me what was going on, unlike some other Central Americans that we know. So I least I don't have that WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???? feeling, which is nice.

There is always a disparity of feelings. But that's what was so great about this relationship..this summer we were totally and completely on the same page. It was so relaxing and nice and it felt great and non-stressful. So I just have to remember that feeling and always look for that feeling in a relationship from now on and not settle for anything less. This is what I must keep in mind, always.

Not that I plan on dating anyone, anytime soon. Though yesterday I think I accidentally ended up going on a date. It sort of snuck up on me unawares. It was with Vic, a cool guy who works in the dishpit. Unfortunately, I am not at all remotely attracted to him, due in no small part to the fact that he is mentally handicapped. He's not like, retarded, but there's just something..not..quite..right about him. Cool and fun though, but c'mon. Anyway, we saw Chicken Little and ate dinner at a Mexican resaurant. It was fun and I take any excuse I can get to get out of here for a little while, but I just hope he doesn't get the wrong idea. I mean, he does like Tori Amos and all..but he also is obsessed with superheros and Star Wars. Maybe I'm wrong anyway and he doesn't really like me "that way" anyway. Though he did bring me a pancake with a whipped cream smiley-face this morning for breakfast. Hmm. There are actually a few other guys here whom I'm sure would not mind getting in my pants, but I don't even slightly like any of them, at least as more than friends. Although in a way I think it would be fun to have a crush, at the same time, I'm totally not ready.

I'm not going to find out about grad school until like MARCH I think. Gaaaaahhhhh...Talk about driving me CRAZY. I just hope to GOD I get in, Kristen. I am going to be so very very upset if I don't. I mean, really upset. Way more upset than I have been about this thing, because it's like, EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WORKED FOR IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I too am in the thick of my quarter life crisis. So is everybody I know.

Nice Girls Finish Last

Hey, how are you guys?

Me, I’ve been better. But I suppose I’ve been worse, too.

So, not surprisingly, considering my track record, the thing with the boy has blown up in my face. Why is it that after this happens to you once, it’s more likely to happen again? I don’t know if that’s actually true, but it feels like it.

Yes, Kristen, we have proof here once again that, in the wise words of Carrie Bradshaw, men truly are bullshit.

The details are not important. Long story short, he ripped the beating heart out of my chest and took a big, bloody bite out of it right in front of my face.

You know, this sucks. Why does this keep happening to me? I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I always love too much and too easily. In all honesty I’m surprised I had any heart left for him to steal, considering how many times this has happened to me before. I hope he chokes on it.

I was willing to do anything for this person. I was willing to sacrifice so much more him. I was willing to change my entire concept of the universe. I even drove over a thousand miles so that we could talk face to face. And he just couldn’t give me anything, nothing at all. Now, all I want to give him is a black eye and a sore crotch from punching him in the face and kneeing him in the nuts.

Thinking back on it, I don’t know if I got anything at all positive out of this experience. It was really great at the time...really, really great. But that’s the problem. Now all I have are memories about what has been and regrets about what could have been. And I’m all alone again. Again. The only thing this has left me with is a hole in my heart and yet more baggage for the next poor hapless soul who comes along and decides to hurt me some more. I wonder if there will ever come a point when I simply am incapable of trusting a man...

Personally, I think he’s making a mistake. I think that he is dumb and has forgotten how good it was. I think he’s too busy with school and work and all that stuff and is filling his head with other things and doesn’t remember what it felt like when we were together. Course, the opposite could be true. That I just have way too much free time and can’t do anything besides fantasize about things that will never, ever happen. I’m forever hopeful that things will turn out right for me in the end. But maybe they won’t.

Anyway, I have had a difficult past month. But I am starting to feel better. The space that he left in my chest after ripping out my heart has filled in with molten lava, which has since hardened into a solid black magma rock, impenetrable to man or beast. In a way, I don’t want to feel better. I want to continue this pity party for just a while longer. But I can’t help it. I am forever a Pollyanna. It’s just not bothering me as much as it did. Hopefully I am starting to forget. I wish I could have the memory of him entirely erased, like in that movie The Eternal Sunshine of the Thoughtless Mind.

I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. Do I just have the word “Sap” written across my forehead? Can people look at me and tell I’m going to believe whatever they say? Do they look at me and think, “Hey, this looks like the type of girl who’s going to treat me right, make me feel good, and that I can fully take advantage of and then leave”? Because it SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.
I never did anything wrong in this relationship, I really, really didn’t. But it just doesn’t matter. I’m just not good enough I guess. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be good enough for anyone…

I am not the type of girl that people write songs about.

But enough if is enough. You guys don’t want to hear about this. Nobody does. I’ve just go to suck it up and move on. Fuck him anyway.

But besides this, life at the Evergreen continues. My job itself is insanely easy, and I have a lot of free time at work, which is kind of annoying, but kind of good, too. Recently it has been very good because I’ve been able to work on my grad school applications while at work. And I’m not sure I would have had the motivation to do it in my spare time. I’ve turned in my UCSC and Davis apps, and finishing up the Berkeley one. I haven’t been that gung-ho about the Berkeley one because I am operating under the assumption that I’m not going to get in. Perhaps that is not the right attitude to have, but whatever. I think UCSC is my first choice anyway. Their mascot is the slug.

I have a lot of free time. I’ve been reading, knitting, and zoning out mostly. Also watching movies with my fellow captives, and smoking the occasional bowl. I need to stock up on more books or else it’s going to be a long, long winter.

Last weekend we had this big Harvest Meltdown hippie music festival here at the lodge. It was actually really kick-ass. These three bands played. The headliner was Hot Buttered Rum, who apparently are pretty famous in the bluegrass hippie circuit. Then there was Blue Turtle Seduction, which was also kind of bluegrass but more jazzy. They did a folk version of R. Kelly’s Ignition that was hilarious. The third act was a guy named Brett Dennon, who was actually quite good in a Jack Johnson sort of way, though when I first met him I thought he was a very masculine and tall female. Oops.

The festival was both Friday and Saturday, and we had about 500 people here, while our usual maximum capacity is more like 200. But somehow it all worked out. Saturday night was a costume party, and almost everyone had some sort of wild get-up, including the staff. I went as a 70’s prom queen. I wore this mint green polyester dress with a big fake rhinestone brooch in the front and huge fan sleeves, and my friends got me a tiara to wear too. Some of my favorite costumes were Jill the Viking, John the bartender dressed up as a French maid, and Bobby as my 70’s date. He wore a big fro wig, crazy glasses, and tight brown Wranglers, and he walked around (or should I say strutted his stuff) all night with a pick in one hand and a rum and coke in the other laughing this weird high pitched laugh that he had affected for the event. I think now he’s planning to actually grow his hair out like that. The costume inspired him apparently.

Then yesterday was my birthday. The big 2-5. Quarter of a century. I’m old! Didn’t really do a whole lot for it. I got a Barbie birthday card that most everybody signed, so that was kind of cool. And a bunch of us went bowling at the casino in Sonora. Somehow it seems fitting that I would do the same activity on my 25th birthday that I did on my ninth. The bowling was pretty fun, and no doubt we will be going again.

Besides these few brief moments of excitement, life has been pretty much continuing on its normal path. It’s started getting colder here, and it’s going to start snowing pretty soon. I am not looking forward to it. I’m afraid we’re going to get totally stranded up here. Or at least that I will feel like it, like I can’t get out even if I need to. Images of The Shining come to mind.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

I know I need to email some of you, and I’m going to do that here, very very soon I promise.

I hope this email doesn’t come across as too negative. But sometimes, you just need to bitch. I don’t want to turn jaded though. I really don’t. And I don’t think I have. Yet.