Moving On

I'm going to South America!

I blow this popsicle stand this Thursday, at which time I'm driving to Mariposa to visit my friend Rose and reminisce about the Good Times that We've Had. Then it's off to San Diego to visit my gay boifriend Chad, hit up some clubs, and get some more tanning in before heading south of the border (I actually got a bikini this summer, can you believe it?). Then I'm staying in Davis with my ever patient friend Bethany. THEN I'm finally driving back to WA to stay with my cousin-sister Sarah, on the very last day SHE has in Tacoma before embarking on her next great adventure to So-Cal. No doubt we will both be having a major cow by then, but at least we can commiserate.

So in other words! I will be back home (though can I call it that at this point?) in Washington around September 27. Which gives me approximately ten days to regroup before I fly off to Quito. If anyone is going to be around, they should give me a holler!

What brought about this decision, you might ask? Fundamental boredom I respond. When you don't have a lot to do, what you do a lot of is think. And eventually, you get creative. Actually for a while I was thinking that at the end of the summer I was gonna do it, I was gonna settle down, get an apartment, a steady job, a cat, all that stuff your'e supposed to do. I was going to commit! But then as time went on, I realized that you know, I don't think I'm ready to leave my hot footing days behind me quite yet. I've still got some galavanting to do. So I started looking into volunteer opportunites in South America until eventually, I came up with A Plan.

So what am I going to do? Besides have a cow, you mean? Basically I'm cashing in on all the boredom I've had all this past winter during which time I managed to save up an impressive chunk of change. There are basically three places I want to volunteer while I'm in South America. The first one is at this ecolodge in the Cloud Forest of Ecuador, doing conservation work and teaching English too probably. That I have all squared away pretty much. After that I hope to work at this Aussie Hostel in Quito. They've been pretty retarded about getting back to me through email, but I'm actually staying there when I'm in town, so I figure I'll talk to them in person. The third place I want to work is teaching English in Peru, in a town on the BEACH. So stoked. I'm going to become a surfer babe.

My plane ticket is for six months. I may, or may not actually use the return ticket. I'm not sure how I'm going to spend my time besides doing these three things, and I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay at each, but we'll see. I am glad I have some sort of tentative plan at least. Personally I prefer to stay in one place for a while so that I really get to know it and get to know the people there, rather than spend only a few days in a bunch of places. Especially since I'm going by myself.

The fact that I'm going by myself does freak me out a bit, but at the same time, it has its advantages. I'll be more likely to meet more people, I'll be invited to more things, I'll be able to go wherever I want, whenever I want. The thing is though if you find yourself in a bind but you're with a friend, it's an adventure. But if you find yourself in a bind when you're by yourself, it can be terrifying and not fun at all. This is my biggest fear.

But hopefully being a cute single girl will have its advantages.

The thing I am the most uncomfortable about is what is going to happen in the beginning. I'm going to get off the plane, be carrying my giant pack I'm not used to, totally look like a tourist..then I have to manage to find my way to the hostel. Then in a few days I have to manage to find my way to this random-ass tiny town on some tiny-ass bus..but it'll all work out. Well I'm pretty sure.

The summer's been good to me though. I've gotten to do a bunch of fun things, been camping a few times, hiked a lot. Swam a lot -- skinny dipping is my new passion. I'm probably the tannest I've ever been in my whole life. I've really grown to love the wilderness. I never even realized it before, how much I love living in the wild. I don't even UNDERSTAND how I survived Madrid for two whole years. Madrid isn't just a city -- it's a CITY. A crowded-ass ciiiiity. I would never want to do that again. I'm glad I did it, don't get me wrong, but I think it would make me go NUTS now. I'm used to having so much space and so much beauty all around me. And I'm going to get to see a lot more of it in South America, too.

Last week I went to San Francisco, and that city was okay. I could see myself living there. It's a city, but it seems a livable city. The people there are really nice, and there's so much going ON all the time. Unlike here, where sometimes I get freaking bored. I have managed to dodge the bullet of becoming an alcoholic though..having to work at 6:30 every morning helps with that. Yesterday I got drunk off three bottles of beer. Well, and three bowls. Might have had more to do with that.

So what am I going to do after The Great Adventure? Well I'm not totally sure. At the moment I see myself either joining AmeriCorps or working at some lodgy type thing for the summer, then doing AmeriCorps after that. I'll see what I'm in the mood for when I'm done. It's so hard to predict.

Livin' lodge

Hello! Man I've been being bad about emailing. I think it's been like a good two months at least. No, more like three. I've been kind of waiting for something cool to happen to me to write about, and nothing really has..but there have been a couple semi-cool things which, when added up, are probably worth an email.

So. After spending a crushingly boring January at home in WA, during which time it rained preeetty much every day, I was ignored or blown off by numerous "good" friends, I knitted and crocheted like three sets of leg warmers, a few hats, and a baby blanket because I was so bored, and I watched a plethora of educational programs on my mom's cable (thank God for that), I returned to California and my home at the Evergreen Lodge. Though I fretted that February was going to be equally boring as being at home, since we were closed during the week and the employee population was down to like 20, it actually turned out to be okay.

Returning here in February turned out to be a turning point for me. I was starting over again, on the upswing this time, and I was able to put behind me all the bullshit of the past few months. The second I got back here my mood improved. I was just SO GLAD to be around PEOPLE again, and I actually started to discover my coworkers anew, and grow closer to some people I hadn't really given a chance before. Highlights of February include: snowboarding at Badger Pass (snowfalling, more accurately), ice skating in Curry Village, and going hiking a number of times. I also spent a good deal of time drinking beer and smoking pot, always a good past time. February weather was unseasonably warm, with a number of days in the 50's, even 60's, but March has turned out to be a different story.

Throughout this month it has probably snowed over six feet. Not all at once, but if you added it up, it'd probably be around there. It snowed again last night, and right now we probably have two feet or so.

Dude. That's a lot of snow. I've never lived in a place with snow like that. In December, January, there was like barely any snow, and now in March we're getting slammed. In a way, it's kind of annoying because it makes it hard to drive around or go on casual hikes, but on the other hand it's really cool. We have pathways carved through the snow in the quad with two feet of snow in either side. I've made numerous snow creatures with Alma and other folks. Sometimes late at night after dark we go snow shoeing on the trails behind the lodge. In the moonlight, it's like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Besides hiking, my main activities these days have been knitting (I'm working on an awesome afghan right now) and boozing it up in the bar. 'Course my definition of "boozing it up" is much different than most people's; I have like four beers and I'm done. But still, good times, good times.

I've gotten a promotion too, which is cool. I'm going to be the "Front Desk Supervisor." Basically it means I'll be responsible for training the newbies, making sure people don't fuck up, and I'm not sure what else. I'm going to have a new manager coming in, who is one step above me, but when she's not here I'll be the manager on duty. I'm looking forward to the new responsibility (and the new paycheck) a lot. Also, besides that, I've been serving food in the restauarant a few nights a week. Which is awesome because first of all it's fun, a different department, working with different people, but also I make great tips. It'll be even better in the summer when we're slammed.

A few new employees have started trickling in, more to come soon. Thank God, I say, because I'm getting pretty freaking bored with the current crop. Living with only 20 people does limit the selection. Plus, the ratio is still over 2 to 1 male to female. You might think this a good thing, and in a way it is, but in an ironic twist of fate I'm not interested in nary a one of them. Which is a bummer because practically all the single ones would really love to jump my bones. Which is not surprising since I'm basically the only single female here.

So far, I have been able to resist their advances, but as my sexual frustration grows, my resolve weakens. Guys who I would never be attracted to in the real world suddenly set my heart aflutter. It's a dangerous situation, my friends. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. It's like I can feel their testosterone..pumping, oozing, the desire in their eyes..gaaaaagh. This is bad. Bad bad bad. Why don't I just go for it, you ask. Loose my seven months worth of sexual frustration. Well, there are a few problems with that. The biggest one being that living at a remote lodge with only 20 other people does breed a LOT of gossip. People gossip enough about me when I haven't done anything -- I can only imagine how much they would gossip if I DID. Besides, more importantly, I'm hoping for an actual hottie to show up whom I'm actually attracted to, and hooking up with said hottie would be more complicated if I'd already done the hibbity bibbity with somebody else.

So as of right now I simply remain the biggest cock tease on property. I flirt with them, I bat my eyes, but that's about it. I enjoy the attention. I enjoy it a lot. But I'm trying to keep it all hypothetical.

So I'm biding my time. My friend Audrey went into the city this weekend and she promised she'd bring me back a vibrator. Armed with this weapon, hopefully I can fend off the boys' advances a little while longer. It would just be so easy..they're right there..NO, Chloe. NO. I must resist!!

Oh, and school. Well, it's still up in the air. I've heard from Berkeley and UCSC and got rejected from both. Now, before you get all upset and start feeling sorry for me, realize that this really comes as no surprise to me. They only accept 10% of applicants. That I am not in that 10% is not a huge shock. I am not nearly as upset about this news as I thought I might be. That is probably because I am in a much better mental place right now (putting aside the sexual frustration) than I was even two months ago. I got a raise here, new people are coming, and life is good right now. So I'm really okay. The future is wide open. I have many, many options. Who knows who I'll meet this summer? Maybe we'll hire some Brazilian male models who want to take me back to Rio de Janeiro to become their sex slave... No but seriously. I still need to hear from Davis, too. I very well might apply to some other schools, maybe to a master's program. The bottom line is that I don't have to decide right this second. I am of the school of thought that everything happens when it is supposed to. Not necessarily for any particular reason, but when it is supposed to, yes.

Come to my window..come on inside, wait by the light of the moon..

Hello, and a merry belated Christmas to you all!

My Christmas was uneventful pretty much. We are relatively busy here for the holidays, but not sold out. We've had all sorts of crazy stuff going on lately though..We've had a few thunderstorms, one of which last week knocked the phone lines out for a few days, at a very crucial time too when people were calling to make reservations for the holidays. Then just as soon as those came back online we had another storm that killed the electricity...Today is the first day in a week we've had everything working as it should. guests, of course, have been getting annoyed by all these problems even though we can't control the weather, people. But not TOO many problems all in all. But a lot of people ended up shortening their stays, which is a bummer for the lodge.

I worked the front desk on Christmas, so that was pretty much, bla. But Christmas usually is. In the evening we had a staff dinner, followed by a Madonna Dance Party in the bar, so that was pretty fun. My bosses took the time to buy each and every employee a personalized gift, and I thought that was pretty cool.

I have about a week more left here, and then I'm coming home for a month, woo! I am looking forward to it. It will be nice to have a change of pace, believe you me. This month has been a lot easier on me though than the past few..every day I feel a little bit better about the whole boy situation. I care less and less. Which is kind of sad for me to say, it is sad to stop caring..but if I didn't, then I would not be a very happy person.

What is it about time..it really does heal all wounds, it really does. Nothing heals better than time. You just start to put things in perspective I guess. You build new memories not involving this person..you redefine yourself. You forget. Maybe it's really the forgetting that does it. Things just seem less real than they were. You forget, and you remember. You remember who you are, what you are, why you are. I am enough, just me. I am enough to satisfy me. This is not to say that I don't want to eventually find someone to share my life with, but for now, I am me, and that's okay. It better be okay, because it's not going to change any time soon.

I do wish that he would at least talk to me though. He seems to have decided to ignore my existence completely. I am afraid this might be due to the fact that I wrote him a rather indelicate email, explaining how I felt about a few things. Ahem. It might not have been the nicest thing I ever did, but there was some stuff I needed to get off my chest. But I'm afraid I might've hurt his feelings to the point where he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Which, actually, is completely retarded, considering how much he's hurt me and lied to ME and I still want to talk to him. Oh well. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me for some other stupid reason. Maybe I should just give up on this one. But I just feel like it's such a shame..we got along so well. And now, I'm really not emotionally attached too much anymore, so I feel like we COULD be friends, which I would like.

This whole thing is really my fault. If you look at it in a certain way. If I just hadn't cared too much, then we would have been on the same page, and we could be friends right now. But my heart is just too big sometimes. Now I feel like we really could be on the same page, but he won't talk to me. I just think it's such a SHAME, such a true failure on my part...and I hate that. I really want to talk to him and make amends...I could call him, but I'm afraid that would just be awkward, and he might really just not want to talk to me. Which, for the record, would be really immature of him, but nevertheless, may very well be the case. He has not exactly been the paradigm of maturity these days.

But I guess his immature and stupid behavior is part of the reason I've been able to let him go. Which I should be thankful for I guess. Heh. Always look on the bright side is what I say.
I'm going to be here at the lodge for New Year's too. I think it'll be fun. We're having a big party with a live band. I'm working a lot this week, and last week too. By the time I leave I won't have had a day off in like..two weeks or something like that? But that's good because now I'm not going work for like a month. I hope I can keep myself entertained at home...

Which is where some of you come in! A few of you folks, I hope to see your smiling faces very soon.

I have a bunch of errands and stuff I have to do which will keep me busy for like two weeks I'm conjecturing. That gives me two weeks or so to kill. I've got to get creative.

I wait

Hi, guys. How's it going?

I'm okay I guess. This month has been really hard on me actually. I've gotten pretty beat up. I've been pretty depressed. I'm not sure what to do about it. There's not really a whole lot I can do about it I guess, besides live through it.

It is hard for me to put my feelings into words, but it's helpful to try. There is nobody here I can talk to about this -- nobody even knows what is going on. So I just sit here alone with this ball of pain..and I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to make myself not care. I wish I could just turn myself off sometimes. Why do I love people who don't love me back? Am I just a glutton for punishment or what? Why can't I just look at things logically and think, okay, it is better this way because of A, B, and C. But I can't do that..my heart gets in the way.

I am a really good person and I deserve to be loved by someone who appreciates me. But I just haven't found this person. And I'm worried that I won't. Why is it not possible for me to feel complete unless I do? I HATE that. Why can't I just be here by myself and feel complete? Why do I need to look to someone else to find happiness? Why can't I just find it within myself? Everyone who I ever thought I could count on has let me down in the end. I feel like in my life I really haven't felt much love at all. I haven't felt it a whole lot from my family, I grew up in a house full of anger and meanness and resentment and regret, none of which was my fault but nonetheless had a direct negative effect on my life. I have felt love from friends, but I move so often..and I just feel like I am capable of giving so much but nobody wants it. And I just keep foolishly foolishly giving it to people who will exploit it. Until maybe I won't have any more left.

I've tried to email Seth to reestablish some kind of friendship or something, but he's ignoring me. This does not help my already shaky self-esteem, as you can imagine. I really wish he would answer me and at least aknowledge my existence. Ignoring me does not make me dissapear, and it doesn't make my pain dissapear, and it doesn't make the fact that he did a very bad thing dissapear either. It's like the one person I chose to trust took that trust and shattered it, defiled it, took a shit on it. It's like if I was standing naked in front of him and I thought we were alone, and I felt safe and vulnerable, and then all of a sudden he ripped the curtain back and there was a crowd of a 1,000 people looking in laughing at me. It's like I gave him all my insides, and he took them willingly, and then I stood there, empty, expecting that he would in return give me HIS insides, and I waited a few minutes, you know, still expectant, and then waited a little longer, started tapping my foot, till I realized I was wrong and I wasn't getting anything in return, but it was already too late because I was empty. So I go to look for my insides to see if I can put them back in, and I find them somewhere stuffed behind a dumpster in the dirt. I gave him the best that I have, and I'm worried that now I won't have it to ever give it to anyone else again.

I wish I connected with someone here, but I don't. I have friends, pretty much everybody here is friends, which is nice. But none of them are close friends. None of them are people I would ever be really close to in a normal situation. So nobody here even knows this is happening. I am very private. I wonder if I show it, the pain I'm in. I'm sure I do. I find it very difficult to hide what I'm feeling..I have a very expressive face I guess. And then I hate it because I feel like I'm not being myself, like I am actually a happy person in general and right now I'm not. I'm usually such a bouyant optimist. I can't really remember the last time I really laughed or smiled and felt it in my heart. I mean I have had moments of course but lurking in the background is this over-arching sadness..

And I am so fucking bored. So..fucking..bored. There is nothing to do. It's not like there's stuff to do and I don't feel like doing it -- there really is nothing to do. Or not a whole lot at least. My job itself is hella boring. We are in the slowest period of the year so I have tons and tons of down time which I spend surfing on the internet (though I have mostly exhausted all my ideas of stuff to look for) or reading, but reading isn't that good of an idea because all I have to do after work is read also, so if I read all day at work I don't feel like doing it so much after work. So instead I go home to my room and stare at the wall for an hour and a half. Doing absolutely nothing, except of course wallowing in my own self-pity. Then I wake up the next day and do it again. I go to bed at 8 o'clock sometimes just because I don't have anything to do. I am really getting into a very unhealthy cycle here.

I cry almost every day. Usually I manage to hold it in mostly at work, at least when other people are around, but sometimes I just have to dash back home right afterwards so I can let it burst out in privacy, or I take a little break during lunch and go off by myself. I don't know what's wrong with me.

And I hate the fucking holidays. I HATE them. I hate my birthday, I hate Thanksgiving, and I really, REALLY hate Christmas. All it does is remind me of what I don't have. Maybe I would be alright, not having it, if someone didn't fucking have to POINT IT OUT all the time. I tell myself, you don't need it, Chloe. You don't need a happy family. Or at least, you better not, because you don't have one, so it's no use wishing for one. But it just doesn't work.

Man I'm sorry to be bothering you guys. This email is so negative, negative. And I really don't know if you want to hear it. I'm not sending this one to my usual crowd, but really only the core people who I think actually care. And I'm also sending it to him because I feel like he should know. A little aknowledgement would be nice. But I hope I'm not bothering you with this. Maybe I shouldn't even be sending it. This is really more a journal entry anyway. But sometimes it helps me to remember that there are folks out there who know me and love me. All your words of solidarity really help me. A lot.

Man I'm just sitting here at the work desk right now crying and crying. It's a good thing no one is around to see me.

I just wish there was something I felt like I could do to help my situation but there really isn't. I just have to wait. And something has to come along eventually, doesn't it?

All I have to look forward to right now is school. If that doesn't work out, then I really don't know what I'm going to do.

Hey JZH! How goes the job search? How is Anacortes treating you? Is it raining too much?
Here, we are in the middle of a bout of really nice weather. Well, the weather is always pretty nice here. Sunny most days, though we've had some rain. It's supposed to start snowing around this time of year, but no sign of it yet. I am dreading it, really. I'm out here in bufu already. I don't need a snow storm to make me REALLY feel isolated. Gagh.

Right now I'm just biding my time. These days we are really slow (remiscent of September at KFT) so I'm bored bored bored. I'm bored at work (I'm writing this email from the desk -- at LEAST we can use the internet thank God) and then I'm bored after work because there's not a lot to do then either. La dee da. It could be a lot worse though. The people here are in large part pleasant, though it's like..I think most of the ones I would really relate to aren't here, because they're in school or doing something productive during the year. So the only ones left over are kind of the dumb ones who have no direction in their lives. Know what I mean? I think you do. I mean there are some older people here that make me think like, woa, I hope I'M not still doing this when I'm 35..or 28 for that matter.

But whatever. Time is going by...After New Year's I get to go home for a month, then back in February, and we'll start picking up. And then I have to wait until like MARCH to find out about grad school! Gagh! I hate this feeling that all I'm doing is waiting, waiting..like I'm not growing or something. Because I always try to be learning something no matter what I do...but I'm sure I'm learning SOMETHING, just not sure what.

I feel pretty alone here..that kind of sucks. There isn't like, any one person that I really can talk to, though I have lots of aquaintances, know what I mean? I was good friends with this girl Rose, but she left, alas. I don't want this email to sound like I'm not having a good time though. It is a unique experience out here, and I love having unique experiences..stuff that most people NEVER do. And this would be one of them, yes. Maybe when it snows it'll be cool. Feel all homey and cozy. It probably will be like that. Until I freeze my hands off putting the chains on my car and doing a 360 on the road trying to get out of here..that won't be too much fun. Heh.

Are you still thinking about going to Alaska this summer again? Me, I don't know. I think it would be more likely at this point that I stay here, for a variety of reasons. Assuming I DO get accepted to a school, I will need to look for apartments and stuff, and if I'm here I could actually go look at them and get a better idea. Also, I'm afraid if I went back to Seward that I would be really sad because everything would remind me of Seth..this could be very unhealthy for me. I think maybe we are moving towards being friends right now, but I'm not sure how that's going to work out. I don't really see the point in being friends. But I still want him in my life. So what can I do?

I suppose I'm feeling better. But I still feel kinda bad. Right at first I felt really, really bad but then that tapered off quickly to feeling just kinda bad, but I've sort of hit a plateau and have been feeling the same level of kinda bad for a while now. Know what I mean? I don't know what to do about it though. There's nothing really that I can do about it...I'm stuck out here in the middle of the woods. I only interact with about 30 people, most of which are just fine aquaintances but nobody that I really bond with, male or female. So I'm kinda bored, I don't have a lot to do..my actual job is boring (I'm writing this email from work) and then my time after work is also boring..my options of activities are pretty much reading, knitting, maybe watching a movie, talking to people (always the same people though), drinking beer, or smoking pot. All of these are fun in small doses, but there's not a whole lot of selection.

I think you should be willing to change in a relationship though. Relationships are all about compromise after all. I mean, I think it would be alright for someone to want me to change something about myself, or for me to want someone to change something about themselves. Don't you sometimes realize you're being a total dick about something and decide not to act that way anymore? I think a good relationship inspires you to improve yourself. My relationship with Seth inspired me to be a nicer person and more positive. Which I suppose I already was to a certain degree, but I became more aware of it and did it more consciously after that. This doesn't mean, however, that I necessarily think it was okay that I wasn't good enough just because I'm not Mormon. That's something else entirely.

I don't know though. I still miss him a lot. If I'm completely honest with myself I would say I am still in love with him. But I just don't know how to turn that off, you know? My head tells me all these reasons why it will never work, why I'm so much better off without him, that of course I will find somebody else, but my heart just tells me the exact opposite. And they are both about equally strong voices. I still cry about it.

I just don't know what to do. There's nothing really I can do. I'm up here, isolated. I'm afraid I'm going to get really depressed this winter. I have too much free time to think and dwell and mope and wallow with nothing to distract me...This is not good.

He doesn't love me. I can't believe it still, but it's true. He doesn't love me. He never will again. I don't know what changed..I don't understand how somebody's feelings can change that fast, but apparently his did. He doesn't love me. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't think about me. He doesn't worry about me. He doesn't stress about me. I've never really truly known what inrequited love felt like until now, and it feels like shit.

You know what the thing with the boy really is though, Mel? What the real problem was? I didn't say it in the big email because I don't think most people would really understand, but you will: the REAL problem, the reason he can't be with me, is not because he doesn't like me, not because he's forgotten about me, not because he doesn't miss me, not because he doesn't think we're really compatible. The REAL problem, Mel, is that I'm not Mormon. GAH!!! I should have seen the writing on the wall in the beginning. I know how they are. I know they believe in that being-married-for-eternity crap. But he made me believe it wouldn't be a problem. He told me it wouldn't be a problem. I think he honestly thought it wouldn't BE a problem. Which is why I said in the other mail that I think he is being dumb. It's so DUMB, Mel! It's so arbitrary! I don't know if this is better or worse than if he couldn't be with me because he didn't care about me anymore.

I would like to be friends with him still. Maybe I can, after a little while. I'll wait a few weeks. But it's just too painful and confusing right now. Because it's like everything is the same, we talk the same, sort of feel the same (at least I do) but it's an impossibility. Which is probably half the reason I want to be with him, because I know I can't.

I was even willing to entertain, ENTERTAIN, the idea of exploring Mormonism for myself. It would definitely be something I'd be interested in learning more about, even if I didn't believe in it, but I was willing to even try to BELIEVE in it. But I just don't know if I could ever do it. Besides, I shouldn't HAVE to do it. I should be okay just like I am. But when your boyfriend prays and God tells him he's not supposed to be with you, well, that kind of hurts.
The whole thing is just so attractive..his family is so sweet and nice and perfect, he is so sweet and nice and just an all around good person..it's something I want to be around, you know? It's something so terribly positive and loving. And I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to find that for myself. Like I won't find another guy who is just as plain Good as he is...

Because I'M good, I know that. I'm probably more good than he is in some ways (I've never totally destroyed anyone emotionally, for example). I just need to find someone else who is that good too..withOUT being Mormon. But I really don't have confidence that I ever will.

I know, I know he must not be the right one for me. At least not right now. But THAT'S always a really dangerous thing to think. One should not be banking on things changing in the future. Which I'm not, but you know what I mean. You DO know how I roll and how I like to obsess about things. Though I was thinking about it, and I think largely the reason this isn't bothering as much as it could potentially is because he DID have the balls to tell me what was going on, unlike some other Central Americans that we know. So I least I don't have that WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???? feeling, which is nice.

There is always a disparity of feelings. But that's what was so great about this relationship..this summer we were totally and completely on the same page. It was so relaxing and nice and it felt great and non-stressful. So I just have to remember that feeling and always look for that feeling in a relationship from now on and not settle for anything less. This is what I must keep in mind, always.

Not that I plan on dating anyone, anytime soon. Though yesterday I think I accidentally ended up going on a date. It sort of snuck up on me unawares. It was with Vic, a cool guy who works in the dishpit. Unfortunately, I am not at all remotely attracted to him, due in no small part to the fact that he is mentally handicapped. He's not like, retarded, but there's just something..not..quite..right about him. Cool and fun though, but c'mon. Anyway, we saw Chicken Little and ate dinner at a Mexican resaurant. It was fun and I take any excuse I can get to get out of here for a little while, but I just hope he doesn't get the wrong idea. I mean, he does like Tori Amos and all..but he also is obsessed with superheros and Star Wars. Maybe I'm wrong anyway and he doesn't really like me "that way" anyway. Though he did bring me a pancake with a whipped cream smiley-face this morning for breakfast. Hmm. There are actually a few other guys here whom I'm sure would not mind getting in my pants, but I don't even slightly like any of them, at least as more than friends. Although in a way I think it would be fun to have a crush, at the same time, I'm totally not ready.

I'm not going to find out about grad school until like MARCH I think. Gaaaaahhhhh...Talk about driving me CRAZY. I just hope to GOD I get in, Kristen. I am going to be so very very upset if I don't. I mean, really upset. Way more upset than I have been about this thing, because it's like, EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WORKED FOR IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I too am in the thick of my quarter life crisis. So is everybody I know.